as a widow: alone, not lonely

May 2019

Alone. This is not a word I typically have in my vocabulary. I am surrounded and supported by family, friends, colleagues and my two amazing boys. So therefore, you would think, not alone at all. But, this month, it will be 11 months. 11 months? I know I am not alone but why do I feel like I am? It’s because I was never alone before, I was with you, you were my partner for life.

I took the advice of a friend today and left work to go home. She knew. She knew I needed to go home. Go home and scream. Go home and cry. And I did. Did it make me feel better? Maybe. Did it make me feel less alone? No. This really is the loneliness place to be and it has nothing to do with not being physically surrounded by people. I’m alone. Not lonely, just alone.

The last few weeks especially have been draining. Physically and mentally. Spring has begun and this time last year was not a fun time. Lots of change, uncertainty of Steve’s health and many struggles. And now this year all the same feelings and chaos of sports, school, work, life -instead of coming and going with a full house and partner in crime, I’m here by myself. And there it is again... I’m alone.

I’ve come to look for you and your signs and over the last two weeks there has been a bird. I didn’t think anything of it until today because it was annoying me and I was angry. This bird has been building a nest in the garage on top of the garage door opener. I didn’t know what kind of bird until today either because it was there waiting for me. On the ground, in the driveway and on the lawn every time I went out the door. I looked it up. It is a robin. I keep knocking the nest off because the door won’t go down and close with it on it. Today it also sang to me and it has rebuilt its nest in the garage too many times I lost count. Today when I needed some encouragement, there you were, annoying me by singing and building- so I guess it was really like old times.

I decided to look up the Robin, because I thought maybe this was your sign. The spiritual meaning of a robin includes: transformation, growth, renewal, passion, change, and power. The robin is all about perseverance and trying to “keep on keeping on.” Which is what my friend keeps telling me and I like to think it has been my motto these months.

A robin has a beautiful spring song too and when it brings a song into your life, you will feel renewed and this can indicate being more aware in life. Whenever it appears in your life, you will be able to sing your own song and nothing else will make you stop from singing. Being a symbol of greater awareness, the Robin also symbolizes renewal and transformation.

So I believe, yes, this was you telling me to especially keep on keeping on as we approach the 1 yr Anniversary of you not being here, on this earth by my side.

Tonight, we ended the evening at Keiran’s first home game on Fleury field. Somewhere you loved to be. Fresh air(although pretty cold) and you watching over. That is what I felt. And that is a good ending to a tough day!